Yea, my birthday just passed, 22 now, but who cares?

"If no one remember your birthday, who cares where you are and whether your exist or not?"

P.S. thank you to those who send me a message or e-card to me

Did not come here for months..almost forget my pw

Just asking about thxgiving trip...ideas or planned trips? like to join one of them so just IM me...

But i guess no one is reading this anywayz?

I start to have no interest to write my xanga, suppose I plan to act as my personal diary, then become a place where people understand me, and now, since no one is reading this it becomes my personal private diary again. Everyday i'm not looking at how many people leaving eprops or stuff, i'm just reading others digest and see how happy and fun they are.

Don't mislead by my friendster, I don't know whether there's 10% of those friends are actually active (i mean contract with me) and 5% of those are actually my good friends I would say. I'm sorry if I hurt someone's heart but yea, i seriously thinking how many friends I actually have.

if u still want me to update it maybe u can send some eprops and i see what i can do but if no one is reading then what's the point for me to write something that is public but only me reading this. Is sometimes very funny that whenever i'm sad, only those who i don't talk that much or that close will ask me and care about me. Maybe the more u invest in ur friendship the less u gain? I don't mean that the structure of friendship is when ur friends are good to u, u pay back what he/she did. But sometimes to have friends is to share happiness and care about others. I should think again the definition of it, maybe.

lots of friends, but actaully just know each other and never talk a word. I lost a good friend that I know for a few years in the internet because we never talk to each other. I wonder friends really exist when we never contact and stuff, or that's the 21 century friendship?if so, sorry maybe i'm too old to accept this.

maybe i'm just not that 'worth' to talk and have fun with. yea, i don't talk much and go out with YOU guys. I start to feel like i'm 14-15 old when I just alone at home and never go out, but at least at that time I have target and try to know friends (basically knowing gfs) but now i just don't have both. I still miss my 19th birthday in NMH with surprise when i expect to let it go by. Maybe that's my last best b-day I got, yea, who still remember my b-day without looking at my info? i bet just 3-4 of them....

I made a new website for those RHS buddies:

http://www.xanga.com/RHS6C_97

welcome everyone to visit it

'Live free or die'

I always feel that free is just inborn, I can do whatever you want. I always feel this way, but now i start to feel this is not case. You can check the dictionary of any publisher and have an explanation of it, but now i get a new definition of it. What is free? When i'm getting older and older, i start to feel there's no freedom at all. Yea, everyone say I can have fun, find whatever job, do whatever stuff...really? at least i don't. I feel like i'm a mouse always can look out of the world but never can get out of the cage. I can't do whatever I want, I can do what people expect or planned to do. Do I ever have a freedom? Why can't I just find my own job? why can't I just do what I want to do? why i need to consider this and that? I'm selfish, who is not selfish here? who, humans, are not selfish? For my sake? I dont' think so, i just being a pupet controlled by others...do I have freedom? why..why......

I don't feel what others feel. Everyone have what they get, can get a job, can get a lot of friends, have a lot of fun. Why can't I have anything? I know someone have stuff others don't, but i don't own anything...anything...why.......Everyday I look at the world, everything is colorful, but in my mind, is just like black and white, where's my interest? where's my aim? I just loose my motivation..because everything I did won't give me a good result. Is very ionic when I can see but what i can see is just black and white no matter how beautiful and colorful anything is...i dont' have interest in everything, any clothes, shoes, everything..why. I remember i heard something from a famous author who blind when she was young...she said even she is blind..what she see is beautiful and colorful...I start to understand why a lot of books end like this, when you die, you will be free. A mice can free only when they die..

So what's the worth of my existance? I just hope someone told me 'your a loser, get lost' then giving me hope when I start to give up all. Why do you want me to do that? Is it FUN??? whoever above the sky......